How am I going to blog now?

There was an accident, and all of the traffic was directed off the motorway. Adam travelled three hours to get to a place 20 minutes away. The traffic was all backed up, and there were no alternate routes. So, he had to give up and come home.

I was frustrated. How am I going to blog now? I thought grumpily to myself.

When I'm writing, I like to be in a dark cave, or I need the anonymity of a cafe. If Adam and Five are at home, I am aware of them. It’s difficult for me to focus if they are around, even if they are in different rooms than me. I am hyper vigilant.

After three hours in the car, Adam was starved for human companionship. “Stupid people,” he said. “Why can't they just not crash? It’s not hard to not crash.”

We drank coffees in the lounge. I wanted to write on my blog, but Adam was talking to me. I went on Twitter. I flirted with the idea of going to cafe, but nowhere around here has wifi. After a while, I retreated to the bedroom to “get some work done”. Adam stayed in the lounge. But in the bedroom, I didn’t work. I tweeted. I chatted on IM and Facebook. I read some blogs.

After I read a post on writing by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love, I felt irritated. The gist of Ms Gilbert’s advice was that writers need to publish their work. This is the same advice my ex (the con-artist) used to give me. And I used to feel upset. I thought I was like Emily Dickinson, scribbling in my private journals. I am a writer, even though nobody reads what I write!

Eat, Pray, Love

It is August 17. Nablopomo (National Blog Posting Month) is not over. But I don’t want to write on my blog every day. I feel selfish and stupid and unfunny. I'm not doing any writing that will earn me money. I can’t keep up with reading and commenting on your blogs. And posting too much is annoying.

By writing on my blog every day, I'm just thinking about myself. My voice is the most important voice. And it’s exhausting, having to write about myself every day. It’s like going to therapy. All of this gazing at my navel. Even posting photos feels revealing.

At the same time, I know I’m not revealing myself on my blog. Not really. I don’t know how to portray myself. Not the real me. There is no clear narrative. I’m full of contradictions. I’m funny, and I’m serious. I’m neurotic, and I’m confident. My blog is intimate, and it’s superficial. I pretend it's fiction, not a memoir.

To stretch a metaphor, writing on my blog every day for a month is like being stuck in traffic with my therapist. Maybe it's not that hard to not crash. But I'm hoping there is an alternate route. I kind of want to turn around and go back home.

Now it is late. I am not writing the funny self-deprecating post that I had planned to write. Maybe I will write it tomorrow. But right now, it's too hard to write.


Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Writing everyday for a month is like being locked in your car with your therapist. Great quote and so true. I think it is ok you are full of contradictions because I think we all are.

CiCi said...

You sound depressed. Read through this post again. You feel Adam wanted time with you after he had just spent three hours in the car. What were you doing during those three hours? And then when you did go into a different room you made the choice to not work. Interesting. I am not ragging on you, I am just trying to read what you are really saying. I like that you know you do not want to write in your blog every day so you don't. Me too. I only write when I want to. Of course I don't have the added stress of being a writer. I am not a writer. I hope you find some peace in all this.

lisahgolden said...

I can relate to this. And I agree wit Secret Mom Thoughts. That is a great quote.

Happy Frog and I said...

I hope you found it a bit cathartic, writing the post I mean. It's good to set yourselves goals and challenges, but it is also good to recognise when they aren't working for you anymore and to do something different.

Don't worry about commenting on other people's blogs if you haven't the time at the moment, I'm sure they will understand. I know I will!

Sweet Jane said...

oh I like the grumpiness of this post. I avoid posting when I'm grumpy b/c I'm afraid of letting people in. I appreciate the view from the car and the lounge and the other room. Sorry about the Liz Gilbert annoyance! I know we don't really agree on her but I so heart her pithy ways.

Casey Freeland said...

With Nanowrimo, I produced four novels in four years. I hit the 50,000 word mark for the month. It was great fun. Even got together for some write-ins with other Nanowrimo folk.

The work was crap.

What it did do was prove to myself than I can be way more productive than I normally am.

Push through it. Don't worry about WHAT you write. Just write. Worry about it on September 1st.

Even if the posts are fifty words long. They're still posts!

Just my two cents.


Alexandra said...

I feel the same way. I tried to post everyday but felt so stupid and empty and false doing it.

I post when the thought strikes me, when there is something that I HAVE to write down.

But to post for the sake of posting? I know blog rules say to do that...but what for?

As it is, I already can't keep up with comments, visits, finding new people I like.

Still, I liked this post, the main reason? I could relate. That feels comforting to me.

So, for that reason, I'm glad you posted today.

Juli said...

For the three hours Adam was stuck by himself in the car, I was preparing Five's breakfast, packing his lunch, getting him dressed, visiting with his grandparents on Skype, taking him to school. Etc. I had exactly 15 minutes to myself before Adam got home. Not to er sound defensive. But a SAHM does work.

FWIW most writers will tell you they actually need to do lots of loafing. It's part of writing.

From AA to NZ said...

Lots of loafing ....... then, I'm a writer.