Inner Critic: From the brink of middle age, at the crossroads of "Have You Let Yourself Go?" and "Maybe Botox Isn’t Such a Bad Idea", we bring you “When We Were Young: The Fashion Edition”. Our featured returning guest is a recovering attention-seeker who used to frolic in fashion. (sound bite of applause) Hello, Juli.
Me: Hello again, everyone.
IC: Would you tell our readers about your “fashion” story.
Me: I used to love costumes. Like many girls, I loved ballet, and I liked to wear my ballet costumes. Later, I became obsessed with square dancing dresses.
IC: What about ninth grade? I understand it was a pivotal year?
Me: In ninth grade, I was the only person in my class who wore a Halloween costume to school. (Halloween was my favourite holiday.) And I had this dress from the Limited Express. The boys in my English class said it looked Amish. And I wore my ballet slippers—as shoes! (sound bite of laughter)
IC: What happened when you went to college? I mean, really. What the fuck happened?
Me: When I got to college, I went through a long, long, LONG phase of wearing black. With the Madonna bracelets and the leather and the Doc Martens, but with flowers in my hair. (I was a bit confused.)
IC: After college, you tried to wear a nose ring to work. And dreadlocks. You worked for an investment bank. Had you lost your mind?
Me: No comment.
IC: You were seen wearing this on the beaches of San Francisco:
IC: What the hell were you wearing?
Me: It was a bridesmaid’s dress. For a long time I felt like I needed to express my individuality through fashion.
IC: Uh-huh. Well, what are you wearing now?
Me: It’s a typical Saturday night. I’m wearing track pants and a sweatshirt. No makeup. In fact, I’m not sure I own makeup.
IC: Your husband calls you "Pajama Girl".
Me: It's an endearment.
IC: So, can we ask—to help (or frighten) our younger readers—what happened?
Me: After I had a baby, I found I just didn’t have the time or interest I once did in shopping. Or in keeping up with all the beauty maintenance routines. And we really couldn't afford to splash out on those things anyway.
IC: But every day, we see other mothers who, you know, go beyond yoga casual for school pick up. Why exactly can’t you make more of an effort?
Me: I wish I had a stylist to put together "looks" for me. But basically, I don’t see the point. I mean, who am I trying to impress?
IC: Your husband? Your crushes in the village? Yourself?
IC: This has been “When We Were Young: The Fashion Edition”. Join us next time when we discuss "Why Your Mother Looks Younger Than You”. (sound bite of applause)