29.4.12

My monthly blog post.

I doubt I ever will be able to post as often as I used to on this website, since the excitement of having a lot to say has twittered away, and my reasons for blogging are changing. Most blogs are losing steam — I feel sad when my favourites fade out. But one does get tired of one’s own voice.

I continue to blog for the love,  maybe not as much for therapy. I'm remembering that my journal is a great place for navel-gazing. But I still want to write to you. I have things to tell you, important things that I've considered carefully while driving Seven to school, doing the dishes, or watching American Idol. I'll keep posting here, as much as I can.

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Last year after Adam and I separated, in the midst of all the trauma, I felt vaguely enthusiastic about the idea of a fresh start. I believed it was a chance to transform myself, as if I was a butterfly that could just fly away from our marriage.

After leaving our relationship, I realise I have only traded sets of problems, and of course I am still the same neurotic, lazy person. It is humbling to become aware that the issue wasn’t our relationship, but me.

I was probably overconfident. For example, I thought I could do everything myself around the house. Cleaning my hair out of the shower drain isn’t that hard. And I thought I could hire a handyman to do the really difficult chores, like sweeping the chimney, or removing a wasp nest from the garden shed.

But I find myself increasingly baffled by what I need to do. I don’t know how to change the vacuum cleaner bag because Adam always did it. I am perplexed when I need to repair the door of the dryer—should I use glue? 

I tend to let housework slide. The house is a mess. The stove and the shower both need cleaned. And I am STILL looking for a cheaper house—my search spurred on because Landlord raised my rent.

Thinking about the money I need to spend week to week makes me panic. My spare energy is directed at finding stable work. I want is to claw myself out of poverty, put a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, food in our bellies. I am constantly afraid, anxious about the future. Will I be able to get back on my feet? I scold myself for being childish and wallowing, but I worry I have made the wrong choices in life.

I don't want sympathy or encouragement. I am just trying to say that I am still here if you want to keep reading. And I am OK. I am not beaten. I know I will get through this. Tomorrow is another day.

7 comments:

Kathleen said...

Big love. You're awesome. That is all :)

Unknown Mami said...

I always get sad when blogs fade away.

Not that you are looking for advice, but don't waste any time worrying about decisions or mistakes that you may have made in the past. There is nothing you can do about them now. Just move forward with the wisdom you've gained and I know you've gained some because there is a lot of wisdom in this post.

Michelle said...

I've noticed a few of my favourite blogs have disappeared. Agree with what Unknown Mami said! xo

Suzy said...

This was a gorgeous post. So delicate and yet so brutal in its honesty.

I won't care if all blogs die; I think their time has come and gone. I hate my own with a passion that is red hot.

How brave to know you're part of the problem and then publish it. I'm most definitely ALL of the problem and choose not to publish it.

I rent. Then everything is fixed by someone else.

Jayne Martin said...

Glad that you're still there and I'm still here. I admire you, Juli. It's hard enough trying to make a life for ones self. I can't imagine doing it for two. My God-daughter is in a similar situation. Newly-divorced with a 5 year old son. It breaks my heart to see how she struggles. My love goes out to both of you.

Happy Frog and I said...

Juli I'm so sorry I didn't see this post before today, I've no idea how I missed it but I'm here now. I think you are very brave and honest to have posted this and I can't tell you how much I admire you. I'm sure if anyone can get there it will be you.

Alma said...

New follower from NY!
I just got here and love your blog. I know how it can be, as you change your priorities change and sometimes a break is needed. I took one without knowing I was taking one. To be silent helped me.
Believe that change is for the better, sending healing thoughts your way.