Ten things I never want to hear a man say again.

Men say a lot of stupid things. They are simple creatures and not that difficult for most women to figure out. But I am a slow learner and also a wishful thinker. This is a lethal combination when it comes to forming relationships with men. Yes, I am a doormat.

Here are some things that will tempt me to pull a Lorena Bobbit if I ever hear them again.

10. I’ll call you.
This old nugget has been men’s exit line forever. Give me a break, guys. I know at the very best, you’ll wait three days (or a week) to ring me. Or you will just disappear off the face of the earth. Don’t leave me waiting in the wings. Just say “Bye.”

9. My wife and I are getting a divorce. Yes, I’ve filed the papers!
Ladies, if you ever are unfortunate enough to hear this line, be smarter than me. Run for your life.

8. Who were you talking to?
Mom, is that you? Jesus. This type of guy is way too into your business. He will ring you fifteen times a day. This is not a good thing.

7. You are the only one that I am...
All your warning bells should be going off. A relative of this line is “But it didn’t mean anything.”

6. But I always go to my mother’s house for Christmas.
He really should have married his mother.

5. Let’s split the cheque.
Feminism screwed the women of my generation. We were brought up to think we were equals with men. This took away our ability to recognize shiftless non-providers for what they are.

If a guy tries to split the cheque with you, in less than a year’s time, he will need to borrow money because he “didn’t get paid”. Or he won’t be able to afford to buy you a ring.

So, if he doesn’t pick up the tab, and you somehow end up together in the future (because you are an idiot), you’ll be supporting this guy. Consider yourself warned.

4. You live too far away.
It’s amazing how men will cross the earth and go to the moon if they think there is a chance they will have sex with you. But if you just want to hang out and watch a movie, all of a sudden “you live too far away.”

3. Want to see a naked photo of me?
Only if it comes with dinner and a movie. And a big diamond.

2. Don’t think so much.
This is insulting. It’s kind of like “Shut up”, with a side order of “Lie back and enjoy it.”

1. I have a cold.
A man with a cold. This is self-explanatory.

If you know of any other lines I should watch out for, please add them in the comments.


injaynesworld said...

Oh, my dear... Been there, done that. I'm so glad I took myself out of the dating pool 20 years ago. I attribute my robust good health to the absence of all that bullshit in my life.

Happy Frog and I said...

Yikes, I'm out of touch I fear. If I hear of any good lines to avoid though I'll let you know. Sounds like you know what you are doing though!

Kate said...

Along the lines of "Don't think so much" is "Lighten up." If this guy is already willing to dismiss your feelings, then no good will come of any further relationship.
Also, any guy who doesn't understand that women need their girlfriends is not worth the effort.
You are an awesome human being, and you will find another awesome human being. It'll just take some time--more than you think you have patience for.

Casey Freeland said...

These are fantastic. I think you got most of them. Lots of guys out there who don't say these horrible things though, and I really hope you meet one. I do resent the generalization that we're all simple. Too close to stupid.



P.S. - Can't you hang out to watch and movie and then have sex? :)

Suzy said...

Those lines are why one of my favorite dating books is "Why Men Love Bitches." Once you read that? It's easy to play the men.

Anna Lefler said...

Oh, man. These remind why I'm glad to be an old married broad. ;-)

Hmmm...an old favorite: "Hey, you're smart!" said with sincere surprise.

Yeah, smart enough to dump you, butt-whiff.


[Great to meet you, Juli!]

:-}) Anna

tennysoneehemingway said...

Another good one to watch out for is, "I'm just going to a mate's place, I'll be back in twenty minutes." Yeah, twenty minutes to twelve midnight.

Juli said...

Oh, God. How could I forget the going to my mate's for "20 minutes" or "just an hour" excuse? I'd like to tell you how many times that 20 minutes has lapsed into the next morning. But it's just too humiliating.

Cristin said...

My favorite was always "I'm just out of another relationship. I'm not ready for anything serious." (This bit of useful information never comes before the date/3rd date/nookie, of course).

V-Grrrl said...

The man I married will occasionally shush me and want me to tone down in public. I get too boisterous; I talk too loud. Translate: I am having too good a time for his reserved, uptight upbringing to handle (and no, I don't drink so it has nothing to do with alcohol). It pissed me off before we got married and it really pisses me off now. If he shushes me, I refuse to talk to him for the rest of the evening.

Kara said...

It's a great list and every line should raise a red flag. But it's number 2 "don't think so much" that really gets my blood boiling.

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

"Men say a lot of stupid things"
And women don't?
1. I've got a headache.
2. I've got to wash my hair
3. I'll only be a minute
4. Why didn't you put the toilet seat down?
5. I didn't see the car/pedestrian/horse/lamppost.
6. The car/pedestrian/horse/lamppost jumped out in front of me.
7. Does my bum look big in this (what on earth are we poor guys supposed to reply? Yes, No, Maybe?)
8. I'm going shopping

I could go on, but number 8 just drains all the life out of me, and I cannot continue until I've been refreshed. With an ancient Scottish remedy.

Sarah said...

You've nailed it. But #2 is the all-time, ultimate nadir of misogynistic masculine utterings. I have a brain! It's probably bigger than yours! Get used to it, or shove off! May you never, ever have to hear any of these things again!

CiCi said...

Before I met my hubby I would call a guy out on what they said, not rudely or trying to get into a conflict, but I would not pretend that every word was oh so precious. The first rule for me was "No Expectations".

Jack said...

My almost seven year old daughter has gotten the female look of death and eye roll down.

But she still hasn't figured out that dad has mastered going deaf.

Anonymous said...

Well, in my case at least, I wouldn't say, "I'll call you," unless I meant, "I'll call you." but I can't speak for others.

The rest of your list is excellent and I'm sure so true - though, is anyone really so stupid as to say, "Don't think so much."? God! That must be such a turn off. Why in heck would any man want a woman who doesn't think?

Like I said - great list :)

Amanda said...

How about 'I don't like getting my hands dirty', then proceeding to eat one of your spare ribs with a KNIFE AND FORK!?!?