Dear Juli

Occasionally someone emails me and asks for relationship advice.

I'm not qualified to give relationship advice. But in the spirit of “if you can’t do, teach”, I'm going to share the knowledge I've gained through painful life experience. I am fickle, so I may only do this once. We shall see.

Dear Juli:
I'm from Indiana, and I've fallen in love with a great guy. The only problem is, he lives in New Zealand. What should I do?
–Pretty Woman

Dear P.W.:
Don't be an idiot. Don’t fall in love with a Kiwi. Have a brief affair. (Is the sex really that good?) Then say goodbye forever. (Unless you are from Russia and have no family.) Try to meet someone from Chicago.

Falling in love accidentally is a myth. Falling in love isn't like stepping in dog shit. Well, actually it's a lot like that. Don’t fall in love with this guy. Snap out of it.

If you've already made the mistake of falling in love (and you want to be in the same country), you'll need to get permission to live in New Zealand. (Unless you want to get him a green card. Which I don't recommend, unless you are particularly masochistic.) This will be an invasive bureaucratic hassle.

In the movies, the wrong people always fall in love. And after 90 minutes, they live happily ever after, or they die.

You are not a character in a movie. Or a teenager. (If you are a teenager, I don’t want to know about you having sex with the best body you'll ever have in your life.)

This may not be what you've read in women’s magazines. But falling in love isn't something that happens in spite of yourself. Choose who you fall in love with. You don’t want your relationship status to be “It’s Complicated.”

Obviously, I haven’t followed my own advice. My speciality in life has been impossible relationships. (My motto is: The more red flags, the better.) So, unless you want to write to a blog like mine, don’t fall in love. Because love stinks.


injaynesworld said...

LMAO!!! Best advice ever!

tennysoneehemingway said...

Or, you could fall in love with an Australian. We fuckin' rock.

Juli said...

Don't even get me started on Aussies. Fuckin' heart breakers.

lisahgolden said...

Well, personal challenges bring out your funny, Juli!

Being one who has let her heart lead her right into that pile of dog shit, I have to say you're right on.

Casey Freeland said...

Not going to like that advice. Then you say, "Then don't f***ing ask me!" You have to say that really loud. You have to, like, scream it until your throat burns. Then have a beer.



Sandra said...

And now I'll be singing "Love Stinks" all night. I better not sing it around my husband though. I haven't told him yet that I hadn't planned on falling in love with him. It's just that he had a nice house and was going to be a good daddy to my kids!
I loved this post!

Ann Imig said...

Falling in love IS like stepping in dog shit. And yes, absolutely avoid love which inevitably leads to heartbreak and blogging.

So funny.

V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios said...

Brilliant! Funny--all the more so because it is true.