"I wanna talk about how bad you make this room look.
I never knew what a dump it was until you came in here."
-Crazy Heart, 2009
-Crazy Heart, 2009
A few months ago I reconnected with a very old friend. Recently separated from his wife and pretty wounded, but I was still optimistic because we've always been attracted to each other. We go back 20 years and I've heard about people reconnecting and having relationships and I thought I could end up happier with someone from 20 years ago.
“Do you look the same?” my very old friend asked.
“Yes, just 20 years older,” I replied.
He is a musician. He has women flinging themselves at him. I know this could sound like I’m bragging but he said that I am beautiful. Of course any man will reflexively tell a woman she is beautiful because it is good manners, and while it shows that he is kind, my very old friend is also a charming magnetic player. He is both available and unavailable.
“I have always loved you," my very old friend said.
“I didn’t know how you felt back then. I thought we were just friends,” I said stupidly.
We texted each other and I tried my best to act like a normal human being, but I wished I could get inside his head. A few weeks of increased happiness—I was sober but I felt drunk—and then silence.
For all I knew he was fucking a 25-year-old. I hoped I'd look better after he got it out of his system but I did not. It's likely I was traded in for a shinier model.
For all I knew he was fucking a 25-year-old. I hoped I'd look better after he got it out of his system but I did not. It's likely I was traded in for a shinier model.
These last long shots—Neil and my very old friend—have made me realise that I'm happy enough on my own. Despite popular wisdom I think the answer is to be even pickier rather than less so. Christmas by myself or New Year’s Eve at a party with a bunch of couples is miserable, but I like watching whatever I want on TV and I don’t mind going to bed alone.
* * *
* * *
My very old friend lives on the other side of the world and he gets excited about obscure horror movies, but I'm sure that if I had the honour of being with him I’d twist like a pretzel to love what he loves. Ugh!
5 comments:
You are strong and whole, Juli. Smart, too.
Thanks Sarah but I am still probably dumb enough to give up all the good things about being alone for the wrong person.
I love your writing.
Thanks Alexandra you are so kind!
I feel you, darlin'. xoxoxoxo
Post a Comment