I'm overwhelmed.

In my last post, I wrote:
I am far behind in my life. I am caught in quicksand. Would someone please haul me out of here? I need to do a million things, and it's overwhelming. I'm sinking!
But I deleted that paragraph. It just seemed too whingey. Or too personal. I don't want to admit that I’m overwhelmed. And I don't really need to be rescued.

There is a lot going on at Wellington Road. The child is about to start school (another post), we have a birthday party to plan, other social obligations on the calendar, gifts to buy, financial challenges. Autumn is here, and there are chores to do. You know, life.

So, yeah (yawn). I’m overwhelmed. I don’t want to break down tasks into steps, and tick items off a To-Do list. I just want to stay in bed and read your blog. (Yes, yours.) Or chat with you on Facebook. (Yes, you.) Or hang out on Twitter. (I love you, Twitter.) I'm depressed. What happened to summer?

And do you remember when I wrote that post? About the big 'D'? Well, it’s time for an update:

You keep talking to people. If you bring it up yourself, it is OK. But if someone else brings it up? An acquaintance, who you may, or may not, have talked to first? (You don’t really remember. You wonder if she reads your blog.) This person forces you to talk about it, even if you don’t feel like talking. Awkward. And people ask, is there anything we can do? To help? Like babysit? Which is nice, right? But it feels intrusive. Because you aren't even separated yet. And you are all, if I need help, I will ask for it. But you say this gently. Because you are more surprised than angry. Isn't this what you wanted? To talk about it? When the child acts like a monster, people say, he’s acting like that because of problems at home. And you say, I don’t think so. And you don’t.

You realize you don’t want to talk about your marital problems. You understand why it’s a taboo subject. People bring their own baggage to the conversation. So you only talk about it with your therapist, behind closed doors. And you keep a stiff upper lip as you go about your life. Especially if you live in a little village in New Zealand that is prone to gossip. Also, your family doesn't want to talk about your problems. This may be a good thing. You pretend that everything is OK. You carry on a facade. You fake it. Which is what everyone does, from time to time, in marriage. (Isn't it?) But it's difficult for you, and not only because you are a lousy actress.

Adam and I are still talking. He wants to work on things, bless him. I am still doubting. But we have put the issue on hold. For now. We are still married. We are still living together.

Maybe this is what you sometimes do in a marriage. If you need to deal with a life transition.


Katie L. said...

I totally get what you're saying. I sometimes feel that way about having talked about depression with people. I WANT to talk about it and not have it be taboo, but I hate the "How are you feeling today?" crap. So, yeah, I do want to talk about it, but only when *I* want to talk about it.
Yikes! Starting school! He's so old now (even though, of course, he's not very old at all).
Hope you're feeling less overwhelmed soon...

V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios said...

My blog used to be different, more open, more specific, more personal, but at some point I felt compelled to draw the shade...

Caffeinated Weka said...

Perhaps this is where blogging can help, ie you decide when you want to bring the subject up and how you want to talk about it? Yes, NZ is definitely a village, but that's not always a bad thing. The trick is in working out whose questions are based on genuine concern (rather than simply being nosy), even if their comments sound awkward or clumsy at first.

Sweet Jane said...

Oh girl, sigh - I hear you. I'm not blogging so much because I don't feel like I can talk about ANY of it. Because god forbid someone talks to me about my blah blah out of turn. So Yea, I hear you.

I hope this isn't too obvious but - have you read 'Eat, Pray, Love' lately? I'm in a re-read and enjoying her brilliance and for some reason you remind me of her.

Sending love!

Meg said...

I hear ya. And I second the recommendation for "Eat, Pray, Love". Excellent book and a lot of insight. Do what YOU need to do to make you happy in this marriage, this life, this world. Otherwise? There's no point.


Suzy said...

People grow past each other. In the last 2 years I've pretty much dumped most of my friends. Along the way I realized I was not getting what I needed but yet they seemed content with what they were getting from me.

Once I 86'd them, the real test was that I had no desire to re-up with them and worse...I didn't miss them at all. AT ALL.

I work on myself a lot. I had a shrink a few years back who told me she'd never had a patient who worked so hard on themselves and who 'got it' so quickly. That much is true but the price I paid was that I had to look at who I had surrounded myself with. It was all on my shoulders to take responsibility for who I had pulled into the inner circle.

That was depressing. (don't I love myself AT ALL???)The end result is that now I'm very circumspect with anyone I meet. It's kind of a drag.

Happy Frog and I said...

Look after and be good to yourself. x

Casey Freeland said...

No one online and probably no one else you know can possibly give real advice or make sound judgments about your relationship with your husband. Only the two of you know what goes on, without the filter of either you or him telling the story. All we can do is talk about our own relationships and try to make a weak connection somewhere.

All I will say is life is very short and if a person is in a relationship that makes them unhappy and it will not significantly change (it never does), then they shouldn't be in that relationship. Bad relationships aren't good for either person.

I hope it goes well for you.



Madame DeFarge said...

I don't see you as selfish and cruel. Just as confused and baffled as the rest of us, trying to get along as best as we can. Hope it all works out for you.

Anonymous said...

I know I sent you a message with baggage attached-only the best intentions there! You address so many personal moments and feelings and your readers appreciate and relate. Remember social niceties are just that-part of the polite ballet.

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

I get what you are saying. If you ever want to vent, let me know. I love Tori too.

Stone Fox said...

i wanted to say thank you so much for leaving the comment you left on my blog. this marriage shit is HARD. sometimes i really don't want to talk about what is going on this week because i get tired of thinking about it; tired of telling the same story. the nice thing about having a blog is the space to tell your whole story without interruption. without feedback mid-sentence. without your friend saying, "hang on a sec, need to yell at the kids."

anyways, i am going to be following you now. cause you are brave and honest about the instability of your marriage. so, thanks. it's inspiring. :)