My vagina and I hate thrush.

This is not a sexy post. If you are a man, you might not want to read this. Go ahead and click away.

You see, I am just now getting over The Worst Yeast Infection Ever. (American for thrush.)

I never used to get yeast infections. But when I fell pregnant, my vagina and I were invaded by thrush. And since the child was born, once or twice a year, my vagina and I have been plagued by that uninvited guest. Thrush.

I know I don’t eat enough yoghurt. Don’t judge me. My new year’s resolution is to take acidophilus tablets. This is great. Until now, I didn’t even have a new year’s resolution.

So I’m going to take acidophilus tablets. And not just for a week or two, like before. Because my vagina and I don't want to go through this again. Ladies, I took to my bed. And not in a sexy way. I did not have a man cold.

While I was lying in bed, airing out my vagina, I did what any of us would do. I consulted the internet:

Most yeast infections are treatable and result in minimal complications such as redness, itching and discomfort.
Minimal? Obviously, the person who wrote this web MD crap is a man. Itching that makes me want to rip off my labia is not minimal. Discomfort that makes it impossible to walk around (without moaning in agony) is called pain.

My mother used to tell me I have a low pain threshold. (I do.) But my mother could be a Scientologist. All I have ever done is push a child out of my vagina, without drugs. And so what if (after 40 hours of labour) I really wanted the drugs? It was too late. Anyway, I found out my pain threshold is much higher than my mother thought. Or I am stupid for not demanding drugs sooner.

I digress. My point is, a yeast infection is not a man cold. If men had vaginas, their yeast infections would require painkillers, and a possible hospital stay. They would not need to insert messy gloop into their vaginas, and then just get on with things. And they wouldn’t bother with homeopathic remedies that might (or might not) work. In a month.

Like this homeopathic solution that the Internet recommended:

Apply yoghurt to the areas affected by the irritation.

Let's get real. I guess I should be thankful I can buy a thrush remedy over the counter. My vagina and I are now basking in almost yeast-free comfort.

P.S. Look out for my upcoming posts: Men and Menstruation—If Men Had Periods, and More Men Should Wear Bras.


Jacqui said...

Ah this made me laugh! It really is one of nature's more unpleasant experiences. Made worse by the fact that they consistently refer to any discharge as resembling cottage cheese. Do we really need to bring food into this people? Aside from yoghurt of course...

Ellie said...

ANd once we've referred to what's coming out as cottage cheese, why would we want to eat anything REMOTELY resembling said substance ever again?

Niki said...

"Itching that makes you want to rip off your labia is not minimal."

I'm sorry, but this really made me laugh.

I hope things are all cleared up soon. Itching "down there" can be really miserable.

I look forward to your entry about men and periods and bras. :-)

Aliceson said...

I hate yeast infections but usually only get them in the summer months so I try to wear loose fitting clothing, if you know what I mean, and I'm pretty sure you do...

Really, yogurt right on the affected areas? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, plus a cold strawberry banana yoplait on my hoo-ha would swear me off of already undesirable yogurt all together.

Shit, if men had periods they would insist that they were bleeding to death!

Alyson said...

Amen, sister.

That is all.

Juli said...

Aliceson, I probably should have written "apply plain, unsweetened yoghurt". I wouldn't want someone in search of a homeopathic remedy to make a bad situation worse!

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Hope everything is back to normal soon. I had thrush on my nipples when breastfeeding my second. It was the most painful thing ever. It would go away after treatment to only return again every couple of months.

Madame DeFarge said...

Your pain, my pain. The itch is the world's worst and men would have discovered the cure if it affected them more. Cold water usually helps, I'm reliably informed.

Sweet Jane said...

Okay here's the thing: Screw yogurt, I've got the answer that answered this nasty call and never hung up.

GSE - grapefruit seed extract. Oh man I hope they have it in your world. If not, let me know and I'll ship you some.

It's SO gross and bitter and horrifying but gawd compared to what you very aptly described, it's candy.

Prexus Swyftwynd said...

Thanks for the great post! None of the girls I know of have actually gotten a yeast infection before, so my knowledge on it was limited. Sure, I've read it in books, but they never replace a "true story!" I can't wait to read your post about Men and Menstruation!! I'm always fascinated at what women think of how guys perceive periods. With all sympathy of your situation, I still laughed at all the funny-lines and descriptions you used in your entry.

Those yeast infection remedy commercials make it seem like the goop and the applicator can make things go away quickly, did not imagine it to be such a pain!

Hope all will be well soon and will link to your men and menstruation post when you get it up! Cheers.

- Prexus
Author of MEN in Menstruation

Fragrant Liar said...

Yowza! :-))

I feel ya!