14.1.11

Enjoy the silence.

I want to tell you what is going on with me. I want to confide in you. But I am afraid. Yes, a little afraid of what you will say or think.

And I am afraid to say things out loud. Because saying things out loud makes them real. If my thoughts are just in my mind, then I can pretend that I am daydreaming. So I am still in denial about these things. I am silent.

I am on the cusp of making some changes. And cusps can be uncomfortable places. At some point a leap of faith is necessary. And I don’t want to bungy jump off a bridge, or jump out of a plane. I may act as if I am spontaneous, but it takes me ages to make a decision.

It is easy for me to romanticize the past. I have a fickle memory, and I gloss over a lot. There are memories of the past that I want to avoid. So I have learned how to ignore them. I can move around them. This is what I do.

There are obstacles in my future. I am sure there will be good things too. But the obstacles seem cumbersome.

I don’t think this is about being positive, or looking at things in a brighter light. My FIL says I should think of obstacles as opportunities. But my obstacles are more like enemies that need slaying. Maybe I am being overly dramatic.

Obstacles are challenges. And I don’t want to be challenged. I don’t want to be the knight in this story. I want to be the damsel.

And so here I perch, summoning all my courage for a leap of faith, while I hope for a Deus Ex Machina.

Image source: Wikipedia

In summer it is difficult to be anxious and depressed. It is work. Gloomy winter weather lends itself to depression. But complaining in summer is just churlish.

I have forgotten what this post is supposed to be about.

Today I sat in the sun, and I ate a ripe juicy peach. Its juice ran down my arm, and my son stunned me again with his kindness. Maybe this afternoon we will go to the beach and swim in the sea. Or instead we will play cards, or we will play with his train set.

I feel weighed down by responsibility and kind of pessimistic about my outlook, but I am so grateful for my boy. He is wonderful.

How are you?

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Edited to add. Maybe I am not really afraid of what you think. It is more like I am shedding a skin, and I feel raw and vulnerable. It is confusing. Change was easier when I was younger.

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Edited again to add. Uh-oh. I think I was too vague. This post is just about my feelings and my crumbling marriage and going back to paid work. You know. Life. But things are OK, and I am sure they will get better. I AM FINE.

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Edited again to add. You probably won't believe this, but I didn't even intend to publish this post. I clicked the wrong button. IT WAS LIKE FATE.

12 comments:

Suzy said...

I've been reading back my journals, starting with 1990. There's nothing like looking back on your life to see where you SHOULD have leaped but instead napped.

It has been enlightening and also a swift kick in the pants/head/groin.

LEAP!!!!

ozma said...

I am ALWAYS wishing for a Deus Ex Machina.

When you are poised on the edge of action--sometimes it is good to reflect but often the melancholy starts to dissipate when you act.

Don't ever be afraid of what *I* think. I think you are fabulous. Also, I'm too absurd a person to judge anyone else.

Shnerfle said...

You sound so sad... I wish I could tell you to make the leap or that everything will turn out as it should or some other sort of platitude, but it all seems to ring hollow. Whatever it is, just hang onto that boy. Little boys are good for hanging onto.

Neil said...

Eh, you are not a damsel in distress. Be your own knight.

Chrisor (ynotkissme) said...

Your post was intentionally vague so it's hard to know what changes you're going through. Depression is easy any time of year, depending on what you're dealing with and what's going on in your head. Please don't worry about sharing with your blog readers and Twitter followers. We are on your side and here to give support. I find it very freeing to reveal things on my blog even though IRL I'm a very private person.

Change is hard but necessary for growth. You need to cut yourself some slack while going through any adjustment period. Reflecting on the past always puts me in an odd mood. Hang in there and share a little bit more when you feel less vulnerable.

Kathleen said...

You are fabulous.

Sometimes you need to do stuff which is horrendous at the time in order to make your life more wonderful in the long run...doesn't make it any easier at the time though, even when you know exactly that.

Take care xx

uncouthheathen said...

Sometimes you have to be both the damsel and the knight. You have to save yourself. It's hard. I speak from a position of having taken a shitload of risks and some of them have been entirely worth it and some have found me falling on my face again and again and again and it leaves me questioning. There's always a lot to sort out, but in the end, regardless of the initial success, I think the risk is worth it if you feel passionately enough about needing to take it. If you fall...you can pick yourself up an you can try again and again. If the consequences or rewards are more or less than you expected, just fight and kick and scream for what you believe most in your soul of souls. You'll get there. Just believe you deserve it and never let that go.

Sweet Jane said...

Ohmygosh. This post sums up why I don't blog the blog so much anymore. But I so enjoyed reading it and feeling your rawness and vagueness with a sort of 'out here and lovin' you' feeling and wishing I could be so bold and do this somemore.

I let go of a dear friendship this past week. It sucked. It's not the same, at all, but I did leap and I do think it was best for all. So I'm feelin' ya in that 22% way and wishing I had a peach or a sea.

xo!

JJ Keith said...

I'm not sure this was your intent, but your "edited to add"s made me titter, but titter warmly and with compassion, if that makes any sense. This must be hard. You're doing it well. I admire that.

Nocturnal Queen said...

"I don’t want to be the knight in this story. I want to be the damsel."

Lord, I know how THAT feels. I have been wronged repeatedly and I want so much to be "rescued". Instead I have to keep "standing strong" (or try to) and be the knight for others. Maybe being the knight is one way of saving the damsel you are inside.

Lisa said...

The unknown is scary, but you may find that what look like obstacles now are actually signs of progress. Each time you pass one, you become a bit braver to take on the next.

Happy Frog and I said...

We have never met, but I think you are a wonderful person from what I have read on your blog. I wish I could give you a big hug. I hope that a virtual one will do. x