Not writing

“Don’t you feel more energized now, on your own?” my friend asks.

“I was writing more when I was married.”

After Adam and I separated, I was sucked into a whirlpool of switching schools, looking for work, and moving my house of seven years.

Sidenote: My new neighbours are building a fence on the boundary. WTF? It's taking a long time, and apparently it's still not quite finished. I feel like Peter Mayle, except nobody is speaking French, or inviting me to lunch.

So now I’m treading water. I'm not writing, or writing very little. My two big projects are on hold. I spend my days looking after Seven, driving here and there, doing laundry, making dinners, avoiding friends, falling into bed. Instead of writing, I think about cleaning my house. I should unpack those boxes, clean the oven, wash the windows.

Not writing is agreeable. Pleasant. No rush to drop off Seven at school, so I can meet a (self-imposed) deadline. No struggle to write after Seven goes to sleep.

Not writing is nice. Maybe I will get a job in an office.

Except I feel guilty for not writing. I'd like to enjoy floating on the surface, but I'm jealous of others’ achievements. I resolve to be more ambitious. I really need to make some money.

Anyway, maybe I am depressed. Divorce is confusing. (So is living in New Zealand.)


Catching the Magic said...

I tend not to write when I'm feeling depressed (though for some people it's helpful). I also tend not to write when my life just gets too busy and I feel devoid of energy to stay up at night. I go through periods of being obsessed with clean windows and vacuuming corners that would normally be left as is. But always, there is a nagging, tap, tapping, deep within, to write. I understand and, you will feel able to write again, when your life gives you the time and space you need the words will flow. xx

lisahgolden said...

Hi, Juli.

Sarah said so well how I function, too. Out of necessity, I got that office job. It's easy and pleasant and my coworkers are very nice. I get home at night and don't feel like writing much. My anti-depressants also seem to have made me need to process through writing less.

I resolve to go all in with writing, but the reality is that, for now, life and necessities come first. Here's hoping we all live long lives that we can write about when we're ready.

Suzy said...

I love not writing. But I'm so competitive I needed to do something since my "career" is at a stand still. (to say the least) But blogging seems to be on its last legs, replaced by FB and Twitter comments. They say only the big blogs (and big business blogs)will remain.

I can hardly wait for that to happen.I've thrown my competitive spirit behind growing my Twitter feed. FB seems dumb to me. G+ even dumber. And my Tumblr? hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Juli said...

Suzy, Twitter killed my blog. KILLED IT.

San Diego Momma/Two Funny Brains said...

I'm in that space, too. I feel like the writing part of my brain has been killed off by microblogging and attempting profundity in 140 characters. I want those writing days back.

As for YOU. Huge life changes take a bit to settle and coalesce. There is (for me at least) a period of just...being...that is regenerative and soulful. Seems you're in that space.

Meanwhile, in your head? Keep writing like a motherfucker.