Sometimes blogging reveals too much. What I have written seems unpleasant and disagreeable after I publish it. I want to delete it. My most recent post uncovers the weakness that I want to hide.

Then I berate myself for not letting you see enough. I’m only able to render a trivial and irrelevant part of myself. I don’t have the skill to remove the narcissistic pettiness from my posts. I try to conceal it in jokey satire. I’m not spiteful, but I am a judgmental snob. The character that I portray on my blog is not sympathetic. I know this. And still, I keep writing posts that isolate me. There is a malicious part of me that needs to speak.

I pretend to worry that my neurotic quirks and failings aren’t significant (or deranged) enough to capture your interest. I'm anxious that you will abandon me. But my secret fear is intimacy. I don't want you to see me naked.


sarah at secret housewife said...

You sound so like me.I understand completely what you are saying. I think that the most important thing is to be 'you' and over time the people who read you get to know what you are like to a certain extent.Nobody is perfect and people who have no opinion about things are dull.I don't have to agree with every post to like you and like your writing style!It is very hard to bare one's soul completely and really we all need to keep something back...I like you!S

Happy Frog and I said...

Hi Juli, this is very common, believe me and much of the reason I have a fairly anonymous blog. I've luckily got to the point now where I'm OK sharing quite a few things. But I agree with Sarah, it is good to keep some of yourself back from the blog arena. Do what you need to do for you. :-)

Caffeinated Weka said...

We all play characters online. Café Chick is the 'fun', more outgoing and more outspoken part of me. However, my colleagues and I were just discussing my lack of self-confidence and inability to speak up and say things that I want (or don't want). Café Chick would have no such problems.

Once again, let me remind you that this is your blog to use as you wish. Your readers will decide if they want to read what you have written and respond if they feel so inclined. Either way, it's your decision and you only need to be satisfied with what you choose to do.

Megan Rose said...

Oh, I hear ya. And I've often wished that I'd thought a little more about attaching my name to my outpourings. But the my honest, no-secrets-please part would get annoyed.

As I get older I'm starting to be more comfortable with myself as a whole, flawed human being and less a perfect one-dimensional cardboard cutout. Easier said than done some days!

Suzy said...

I could have signed my name to this post.

My trap comes from being a comedian and worrying that things aren't funny enough. So I sacrifice the truer stuff for the funny stuff.

Ultimately though? My problem is intimacy as well.

Casey Freeland said...

Phew. Good post lady. Hey, that song. I know it was radiohead, but it sounded like the guy from the film Once.

Deep breath... Then let it all out. We will still be here.



Unknown said...

I can relate. Thank you for being open and REAL.

Anonymous said...

You are fantastic.

The Mad Scorpion said...

Wow... Really?? You think YOU have to worry about that stuff??? You should read MY blog more. THAT should put your mind RIGHT at ease... HAHA!!!
If there's one fundamental mantra that I must continually remind myself of (because let's face it, great confidence usually if not always masks great insecurities - only a rare few possess REAL confidence) it's that I MUST NOT GIVE A FUCK WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME.
Use it. It's handy. :)

injaynesworld said...

I love reading about the lives of people who live in other countries. I've never felt that you were unsympathetic in the least. And besides, we both love Paul Krugman. ;)