Sometimes blogging reveals too much. What I have written seems unpleasant and disagreeable after I publish it. I want to delete it. My most recent post uncovers the weakness that I want to hide.
Then I berate myself for not letting you see enough. I’m only able to render a trivial and irrelevant part of myself. I don’t have the skill to remove the narcissistic pettiness from my posts. I try to conceal it in jokey satire. I’m not spiteful, but I am a judgmental snob. The character that I portray on my blog is not sympathetic. I know this. And still, I keep writing posts that isolate me. There is a malicious part of me that needs to speak.
I pretend to worry that my neurotic quirks and failings aren’t significant (or deranged) enough to capture your interest. I'm anxious that you will abandon me. But my secret fear is intimacy. I don't want you to see me naked.