Now's who you talk to.

ME: I’m ringing because I need a new remote for my telly.

TELSTRACLEAR: Is it broken?

ME: Yes, it’s being held together with tape.

TELSTRACLEAR: If it’s not faulty, then it will cost you $60 to replace it.

ME: Um, that seems expensive. Especially since we’ve had this remote for over four years.

TELSTRACLEAR: Someone has to pay for it.

ME: My husband might argue that the remote is faulty. Because the back is falling off.

TELSTRACLEAR: If it is broken, you need to pay for it.

ME: Look, I know that you don’t set the policy. I’m just saying, $60 seems expensive. We’ve been good customers for five years. If we moved house and took TelstraClear with us, we’d probably get a new remote.

TELSTRACLEAR: (non-committal throat-clearing)

ME: Maybe I’ll just write a letter about it to complain. . .

TELSTRACLEAR: You could go that way if you want.

ME: I guess so. Sometimes I’m the letter-writing sort. By the way, can you tell me if there’s an area fault right now? I have no internet and no cable.

TELSTRACLEAR: I’ll have to transfer you to faults. Hold on.

(FIVE MINUTES LATER)

ME: Hello, I just talked to someone about a new remote for my telly.

TELSTRACLEAR: Yes, in my notes, it says your remote is being held together with cellotape. (laughs)

ME: Well, it’s actually thin black duct tape.

TELSTRACLEAR: (laughs)

ME: You know, I spoke to someone else, and I had a little rant, because I thought $60 is a lot to pay for a new remote. But I just want a new remote. I’m not sure if one has been ordered, because I got transferred after I asked about a fault.

TELSTRACLEAR: Oh yes, I can see there’s a fault up the coast right now. I hope they get that fixed by the time I get home.

ME: The faults people said it will be back up in an hour. You know, last night I was watching telly, and I was like, I’m so over this old remote. It's been this way for A WHILE, you know?

TELSTRACLEAR: The other day, some guy dropped a COUCH on his remote and it broke. So I charged him. But I’m going to send you a new remote. I’m not going to charge you.

ME: After over four years, it’s like normal wear and tear?

TELSTRACLEAR: I’ll send a courier slip to pick up the old remote. But I won’t be here to make sure you don’t get charged for the new one. So I’ll just tell one of my co-workers to follow it through.

ME: (dumbfounded) Um, okay, thanks.

THE END?