ME: I’m ringing because I need a new remote for my telly.
TELSTRACLEAR: Is it broken?
ME: Yes, it’s being held together with tape.
TELSTRACLEAR: If it’s not faulty, then it will cost you $60 to replace it.
ME: Um, that seems expensive. Especially since we’ve had this remote for over four years.
TELSTRACLEAR: Someone has to pay for it.
ME: My husband might argue that the remote is faulty. Because the back is falling off.
TELSTRACLEAR: If it is broken, you need to pay for it.
ME: Look, I know that you don’t set the policy. I’m just saying, $60 seems expensive. We’ve been good customers for five years. If we moved house and took TelstraClear with us, we’d probably get a new remote.
TELSTRACLEAR: (non-committal throat-clearing)
ME: Maybe I’ll just write a letter about it to complain. . .
TELSTRACLEAR: You could go that way if you want.
ME: I guess so. Sometimes I’m the letter-writing sort. By the way, can you tell me if there’s an area fault right now? I have no internet and no cable.
TELSTRACLEAR: I’ll have to transfer you to faults. Hold on.
(FIVE MINUTES LATER)
ME: Hello, I just talked to someone about a new remote for my telly.
TELSTRACLEAR: Yes, in my notes, it says your remote is being held together with cellotape. (laughs)
ME: Well, it’s actually thin black duct tape.
ME: You know, I spoke to someone else, and I had a little rant, because I thought $60 is a lot to pay for a new remote. But I just want a new remote. I’m not sure if one has been ordered, because I got transferred after I asked about a fault.
TELSTRACLEAR: Oh yes, I can see there’s a fault up the coast right now. I hope they get that fixed by the time I get home.
ME: The faults people said it will be back up in an hour. You know, last night I was watching telly, and I was like, I’m so over this old remote. It's been this way for A WHILE, you know?
TELSTRACLEAR: The other day, some guy dropped a COUCH on his remote and it broke. So I charged him. But I’m going to send you a new remote. I’m not going to charge you.
ME: After over four years, it’s like normal wear and tear?
TELSTRACLEAR: I’ll send a courier slip to pick up the old remote. But I won’t be here to make sure you don’t get charged for the new one. So I’ll just tell one of my co-workers to follow it through.
ME: (dumbfounded) Um, okay, thanks.